I have been queer since I was little.
Cliché as it sounds. I have always looked at girls as if I were a boy. So, from the beginning, I always knew I was not straight.
I identified as a lesbian for a while until I was around 14 when I had my first male crush. I couldn’t understand myself because how could I like both genders. By then bisexuality was code for experimentation, and I knew that you were either gay or straight. No in between.
High school was crazy because I was more religious than I was honest with myself. So, I kept my crushes hidden and secret to myself.
However, in campus, I fell in love with my best friend and to this day it hurts me how vigorously straight she is. Sigh…
but I guess I couldn’t make her as happy as she would like to be. I am a lesbian virgin. Well, except for the time I got sexually exploited by a family member when I was 7 years old.
I have never had the courage to officially ask a girl out. My religious conscience always bashes me whenever I oogle at a “fine ass” or fantasize of a gay wedding. Sometimes I wish I could get the courage to be comfortable with who I am, and maybe I could be genuinely happy.
When I think of all the opportunities, I missed because of my double-mindedness I get so frustrated. Oh, I mentioned boys. Well, I came to the conclusion that I must be pansexual because apart from men and women, I have had a crush on a transitioning womxn and a gay guy. Or maybe I am just greedy. Whichever way, I do not see the body as much as I see the character, behavior and general aura of a person.
I wouldn’t mind ending up with anyone regardless of their label but I think females have always had a golden spot in my heart. As for my label, my thoughts are a hundred percent male. My body is as female as they get. Sometimes I enjoy having boobs. Other than that, I think I prefer the pronoun they. Because it all depends on how I woke up.
I hope I end up as happy as Asanda Mqiki and her Partner.
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